i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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