Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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