i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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