At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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