I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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