I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
