The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
