I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
