Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
