my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
