In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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