So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
