I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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