The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
