Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
