Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
