I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
