miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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