I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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