miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
