Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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