the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize