wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
