I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Im part way to drunk.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
