she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
