she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
