My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
