Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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