4 words: hood of his car
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
