His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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