A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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