Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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