Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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