well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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