I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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