dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
