my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
