I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love having hate sex.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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