And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
