Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
