dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
