FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
