She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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