And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
