do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
