why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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