five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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