Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
