I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
