I can tuck mytits in my pants
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
