Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
