You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
