I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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