I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
