Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What drink are we having for lunch?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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