Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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