Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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