she woke up with a sticky ear
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
