I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
