he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
