dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
