Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
