I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
