i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
