this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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