porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They took my balls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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